


hte hawt yowiez 5eva

by astrocops



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Fanfic, M/M, parody work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-26 07:34:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7565611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrocops/pseuds/astrocops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Happy birthday, baby.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hte hawt yowiez 5eva

~A/N~ thus iz mai furst hoemstuck ficcy evar!!! no flamez!!!! n itz yawie and that meanz boyxboy dont liek dont reed!!!!! dont frget to kudo n subscrieb!!! ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ this iz a speshul burthdai gift 4 my best boifrand evar!!! (not liek that you sickoz!!!) ~end A/N~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dave sat alone in his room, crying because he was in love with John but John was not a homosexual. He decided today was the day he was going to do something about it. So he sent John a message over Pesterchum that said, 'im coming over'. This is an ideal universe where everyone lives near each other, which was never mentioned before now. Surprise. 

When Dave got to John's, he was surprised to find John's dad was gone! He knocked on the door. John opened it.

"hey john" he said in all lowercase, because quirking is something characters can do verbally for some reason. 

"oh, hi dave!!" John replied, smiling brightly as though he wouldn't be able to tell when his best friend was anxious despite the massive amounts of time they spent together.

Cutting right to the chase, Dave kissed John. Consent and body cues don't matter in fiction, so this isn't weird or creepy at all. John kissed back right away, and Dave was SHOCKED. 

"but john" he exclaimed without changing his facial expression away from its default neutral setting, "i thought you werent a homosexual"

"i'm not!" John cried, and laughed as though it couldn't be taken as a negative response. "but maybe you're an exception. maybe i'm... davesexual?"

Dave was so surprised and pleased that he immedistely popped a massive boner. He and John kept kissing and miraculously made it through the door and up the stairs without tripping over everything and seriously hurting themselves. They fell onto John's bed, and everything was just like a porno.

The lighting was just right because it was sunset, and despite the fact that their mutual affection was only confirmed moments beforehand, they immediately started stripping. Dave unzipped John's jeans with his teeth and took his entire cock in his mouth because he was a virgin sex god. John moaned a lot and his voice was super high pitched and whiny because he was on bottom, and Dave groaned and moaned really low because he was going to stick his dick in John instead of the other way around. After John came, Dave rolled him onto his stomach.

Then, without any thought, he immediately stuck his dick in his ass, because they were in magical porn land where lube doesn't exist and fucking someone dry won't literally rip things inside them. Dave was still wearing his glasses. Dave immediately found John's sweet spot. John moaned just like in a hentai and said Dave's name a few times, and then whimpered, "i love you." Dave immediately came, and through the magic of their first time, John came at the exact same time without Dave even having to stroke his """member""". Dave pulled out and flopped down beside John, both of them panting 

"i love you too" Dave said, and then they fell asleep. No thoughts were given to the fact that even virgins can have sexually transmitted infections, so they didn't have to worry about the fact they hadn't used a condom. Also, John just passed out with cum in his ass because it totally wouldn't be uncomfortable and messy. Dad Egbert came home and found them under the covers and immediately knew they were naked. He made them a cake to say congratulations for fucking, because that's clearly what his reaction to everything would be. They all lived happily ever after. Also Rose and Jade exist, I guess.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy birthday to my fiancé, Aaren! He's twenty today, and I love him a lot. Go tell him happy birthday over at hammerkind.tumblr.com!
> 
> This is a joke fic to hold him over until I finish his other birthday presents.


End file.
